Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Its a Thursday morning, and youre sitting around with nothing to do. You had a job, but it exploded, so now youre stuck here in your boring house. Suddenly, your phone rings. Answer the phone. Ignore the phone and go outside to look at parts

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Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston

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Its a Thursday morning, and youre sitting around with nothing to do. You had a job, but it exploded, so now youre stuck here in your boring house.

Suddenly, your phone rings.

You walk outside and find your mailman. You have a letter, says your mailman. Here it is.

Inside your house, the phone continues to ring.

Boston. The diamond in Americas face. The place where a dog died. A sprawling metropolis filled with history, culture, stores, some roads, and a guy who kissed a lady here once. Its time to walk through this citys hallowed gates and start fucking and killing all the stuff thats here so that God will destroy it for insurance money.

Yeah.

No.

Thats correct.

Its whatever. I could take it or leave it.

Later today.

Yeah, its pretty good. Listen, could you take your letter now? I have to deliver mail to everyone in the world, and youre my first house.

Its a letter from the Mayor of Boston. It sounds like a pretty urgent message.

You are standing outside the historic gates of Boston. Before you can pass through them, your cell phone starts ringing. Its your husband and wife calling.

You answer your phone to talk to your husband and wife. Hello. This is your husband and your wife, say your husband and wife.

Im your wife, says your husband.

Im you, says your wife.

One husband and one wife, your husband and wife say in unison.

We were just sitting on our hands so that we could charge people money to get touched in the leg by our warm hands, says your wife.

Weve made over $600 from people lining up outside of our house just begging us to put our warm hands on their neck for 15 minutes at a time, says your husband.

When Im sitting on my own hands, Im in heaven, says your wife.

Yeah, when Im sitting on my own hands, I bellow in ecstasy and feel like God, says your husband.

I love to sit on my hands and scream, Yeah, baby! Christmas came early for my warm hands! until the neighbors ask me to leave their bathroom, says your wife.

Im your wife, says your husband.

Okay, well let you go, your husband and wife say. But promise us that while youre fucking and killing everything that draws breath in Boston, you wont cheat on us. Fuck and kill whoever you want, but do not fuck anyone. We are the only people you are allowed to fuck. We are your husband and wife, and monogamy is more important to us than God and Bus God combined.

This is Boston Castle, where Thomas Jefferson and King George III co-wrote the Declaration of Independence. This is where the Mayor of Boston lives and does his private trouble.

You blast into Boston and stand in the middle of Adultery Square, one of the most famous streets in Boston.

Its time to do terrible sins and get God and Bus God to destroy this city. Where would you like to start doing sins?

You stand in Adultery Square and prepare to do a ton of sins. A man in a terrible blue shirt runs up to you.

Hello. Welcome to Bompo or whatever this place is called. Please fuck me or kill me immediately.

You send your pants and your clothes to a different country, rendering yourself nude, in the manner of sex. You begin nudely fucking the stranger right there in the middle of Adultery Square.

Due to the First Amendment, it is illegal to show you whats actually happening right now, so the image above is a metaphor for whats going on. The two horses fucking each other represent you and this stranger fucking each other.

Whatever! screams the man as you make dispassionate, lazy love to his emperors groin. I dont care about this!

You spray the friendly stranger with Treasure Juice, a perfume issued by the United States Military that makes people smell like gold coins.

The smell of the treasure attracts a hoard of gold-crazy children.

Hey, everyone! This guy smells like gold! shrieks a jewel-hungry 8-year-old boy.

I smell it! screeches a 5-year-old girl. I smell the jewels and the doubloons! I need that sweet treasure!

I live for doubloons! I smell it! I want it because I smell it! yells a 4-year-old boy.

The mob of children jump on the man and claw him to pieces in a gold-fueled frenzy. He dies a heros death getting torn to shreds by insane children who keep telling him that he smells like treasure.

Nice. You killed one entire man. At this rate, God will destroy Boston in no time. Keep up the good work!

You die of old age.

You hang up the phone and sit alone in your house thinking about everything the Mayor of Boston said.

Do you have what it takes? Are you the kind of hero who can singlehandedly sin enough to turn Boston into the new Sodom, just like the Prophecies And Recipes section of the United States Constitution predicted would happen one day?

Wonderful. Very exciting. These Vikings from a long time ago are cheering because of your bravery. Its time to get started! Go to Boston and start fucking and killing everything until the Lord destroys the city.

Hello, says the voice on the other end of the phone. This is the Mayor of Boston. Its an honor to have a phone.

Boston is a city in the state of Marpuss, says the Mayor of Boston. It is incredibly old and small. It is the capital city of Marpuss. In 1997, a man dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while staring at a picture of Boston, which made Boston famous all over the world.

Are you familiar with the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? asks the Mayor of Boston.

Wonderful. On behalf of myself and all the people of Boston, I cannot wait for you to fuck us and kill us in an anything-goes orgiastic carnage odyssey that will result in the divine destruction of our glamorous city. Its very important that you fuck and kill as many people as possible. Okay, goodbye. I love you, I love God and Bus God, and I love 3D video games. Goodbye.

Ah! Harvard University! The special jail where people with too much math are imprisoned forever and forced to teach each other about poems. It is one of the cruelest and most prestigious prisons, not just in Boston, but in the entire state of Marpuss.

Surely, one of the brilliant minds trapped here in this brain dungeon can help you sink Boston into the sea.

Which department of the university would you like to visit?

As you make your way across Harvards stylish quadrangle toward the Religious Studies Department, you encounter Sunrise Man and Midnight Man, the Twin Deans of Harvard University.

We are from today, says Sunrise Man.

Harvard, says Midnight Man.

No, that is incorrect. Harvard University is located in the city of Boston. In fact, Harvard is the capital of Boston. Cambridge is a French word meaning, Its Boston, everybody. Thus, your complaint is invalid and embarrassing for you.

Please select a department of Harvard that you would like to visit.

What now? says Sunrise Man. Harvard? Why, yes! Harvard! The hallowed halls and the math!

Quite so! Harvard! The math and the brains of children. Rolling hills and smart young bellies of intelligent infants! Harvard! says Midnight Man.

Harvard! Sunrise Man and Midnight Man say in unison.

You tighten your neck, widen your lungs, and begin the difficult but noble task of fucking the Twin Deans of Harvard University.

Harvard the school! screams Midnight Man as you do intimate pleasure sorceries to his emperors groin.

I live for Harvard! Death is optional! bellows Sunrise Man as you commit an illegal kindness on his reproductive cul-de-sac.

Once again, the First Amendment of the United States Constitution forbids us from showing you exactly whats going on, but the above visual metaphor should give you a good idea. The huge fish represents Fucking, while the middle fish represents Getting Gross In Boston. The small fish is a literal fish. All the fish are eating each other, which is a metaphor for something so gross that it defies description in any known language, but suffice it to say that it involves kissing.

The two sets of train tracks are a metaphor for the two halves of Fucking, which are, of course, Exhausting Wetness and Fucking All The Time. Sorry if that was obvious, but its better to be safe than sorry.

You take out your cell phone and call the American Bureau of Parades. You schedule a parade in honor of Mutiny The Boat Crime and specify that the parade route should be Boston.

Within seconds, 8 million people wearing mutiny-themed masks and riding mutiny-themed floats come parading over the hills of Boston. The Mutiny Appreciation Parade has begun!

A marching band plays O Mutiny, My Heart Yearns Ever For Thee as the parade-goers cheer and scream about how much they love mutiny.

Here you are in the middle of the Mutiny Appreciation Parade. Everyone is dressed like beloved mutineers from history; Fletcher Christian and Karl Artelt costumes are everywhere you look. You start marching with the crowd as the Mutiny National Anthem swells to a triumphant crescendo.

I love mutiny! shrieks a 9-year-old girl wearing an Afanasi Matushenko mask.

If mutiny were a car, I would crawl inside of it to die! bellows a man wearing a T-shirt that says I Love To Forcibly Wrest Control Of The Ship Away From My Captain And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt.

You have arrived at Harvards Department of Religious Studies. This is the part of Harvard where scientists argue about whether or not God wears a shark tooth necklace in Heaven. Maybe one of the religion scientists knows how to make God angry enough to destroy Boston.

You walk into a classroom and sit down.

Hello, says the professor. Welcome to Advanced Religious Studies. Todays lecture will address the most fundamental question of all religions: Does God wear a shark tooth necklace?

Of course you remember the fishbowl thing, says the Mayor of Boston. Everyone remembers exactly where they were when they found out someone had dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while looking at a picture of Boston.

Oh, well, good thinking to check. Anyway, Im calling because I have a very solemn request for you.

All right, so then you know about how the people of Sodom did all sorts of terrible sins, like thinking about their own butts on the Sabbath and dipping their middle fingers into bowls of warm water without announcing it beforehand, and so as punishment for these sins, God and Bus God teamed up to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah?

All right, says the Mayor of Boston, so heres my plan: Ive taken out a $10,000 insurance policy on the city of Boston. I want you to come to this city and do so many sins that God destroys Boston the way he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. Then Ill get the insurance money, and we can split the $10,000 down the middle.

In Boston, you can only be charged with insurance fraud if youre under 10 years old. Our prisons are completely packed with tiny children who took out insurance policies on their own legs and then set their legs on fire to try to cash in on the insurance policy. Thats the main crime in Boston, but its not something that you have to worry about unless youre under 10 years old.

You decide that instead of murdering and fucking people in Boston, you will be tired. You yawn and walk out of your house. Your car is parked in your driveway. You climb into the drivers seat and go to sleep. This is where you always sleep. You do not own a bed.

While you sleep in your car, you have a good dream. You dream that a man holding an oyster lets you point at his oyster. Its the best dream youve ever had. In your dream, you even get to point at the oyster with both hands.

You slumber peacefully in your car as history passes you by. You die forgotten, but you dont care.

The End.

While you sleep in your car, you have a bad dream. You dream that there are three boys near a restaurant. Its the scariest dream youve ever had, and your slumber is tormented as you sit in your car and sleep for the rest of the day.

When you wake up, you write the word Money on a piece of paper and smile at it.

The End.

While you slumber in your car, you make the wise and noble decision to die in your sleep. The next morning, youre discovered by your neighbor Louis, who likes to sneak into the backseat of your car every morning so that he can sit in your car and brush his hair.

Louis calls the police and informs them that he has found your corpse. The police tell Louis to never call them again.

The End.

Great, lets start the tour, says Old Ancient Michael. Right now, were standing in Adultery Square. Its called Adultery Square because this is where George Washington famously added the line Adultery Is Good to the Bill of Rights.

You look like you need a tour guide, says a man dressed in the traditional clothing of Colonial America. I am a tour guide. My name is Old Ancient Michael, and I went to the Toronto Institute of Boston Trivia, where I graduated first in my class and majored in pointing at statues. I can take you to the most historic places in Boston.

You look in the sky and see some clouds. Making clouds is Gods way of screaming, so you know that you just pissed him off with your incredible sin. Youre on the right track! What part of Boston do you want to do sins in now?

You make your way to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox, Americas quietest, hungriest baseball team.

How would you like to infuriate God here?

Bonjour! you shout at Fenway Park. Bonjour, Fenway Park!

This is a grave sin against God and Bus God alike, for as the Bible states:

Hello. I am the Lord. Thou shalt never shout the French word Bonjour at a sports arena as if that sports arena were a human person who understandeth French. When you shout the word Bonjour at a sports arena, the Lord becomes incredibly confused, and He loseth track of what things are giant buildings where sports take place and what things are human men who speak French. This makes the Lord frightened and confused, and the Lord doth stand in the middle of Heaven, screaming and squirting God Syrup out of the faucet that grows out of His forehead. (Gen. 5:15-19)

Are you sure you want to commit the sin of fornication with Fenway Park, the giant building where the Boston Red Sox live and mumble to each other about how hungry they are?

Okay. What would you like to do instead?

You walk into Fenway Park and run into none other than Babe Ruth, the famous Red Sox pitcher. He looks at you and utters the famous catchphrase that he says every time he strikes a batter out:

Someone puts childrens teeth under my pillow while I sleep, and when I find out who it is, Im going to ask them to kill me.

Wow. Just hearing that famous catchphrase sends c

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/murder-cheat-and-fuck-your-way-through-boston-3405

The post Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston appeared first on Sports Guide To Everything.

Here’s How Vaping Your Weed Before The Gym Enhances Your Workout

Vaping is so hot right now and no, Im not talking about eJuice vapesIm talking about vapes that take dabs. Vaping is steadily being incorporated into everyday routines across the spectrum of ages: Moms are reading and doing pilates while vaping. Grandpas are fishing and vaping. Dads are golfing

Read more…

Here’s How Vaping Your Weed Before The Gym Enhances Your Workout

Vaping is so hot right now and no, Im not talking about eJuice vapesIm talking about vapes that take dabs.

Vaping is steadily being incorporated into everyday routines across the spectrum of ages: Moms are reading and doing pilates while vaping. Grandpas are fishing and vaping. Dads are golfing and vaping, and Millennials (21+) are playing sports and vaping.

No longer must we mix sweat and tears in a jarringly sober, physically traumatic event three times a week. Now, we can vape.

Wait, what? Potheads are into fitness?! Hell yes we are. Heres a step-by-step guide on how to successfully use dabs to get your butt to the gym and make it a therapeutic experience.

Its healthier than smoking.

You can put all kinds of dabs in a vape with an atomizer like wax, oil, shatter, budder, crumble, live resin, hash, and honey oil (or BHO, a/k/a butane hash oil). I love having the freedom to take it with me in my pocket without anyone knowing about it or smelling it.

I dont go to the gym sober because then Ill do five minutes on the treadmill and leave. When Im high, Ill stay and work out for over an hour and figure out what I want to do with my life.

Smoking herb gives me heavy lungs when I exercise, and I can get wheezy (as do many asthmatics), so vaping is the perfect workaround. I even vaped before my first 5k in Las Vegas and crushed it as a result. I literally had no idea I was running a race. Highly recommend!

I prefer the strain Super Lemon Haze because it is chock full of pinene, a terpene that is known to be a bronchodilator, meaning it helps open the bronchioles in the lungs for more oxygen intake. See, theres science behind this behavior.


Be sure to get good stuff.

Dont buy shitty dabs. How do you know if its shitty? These days the buzz words you want to hear to make sure your dabs arent shitty are solvent-free and winterized. These designations involve an expensive extraction process that fully removes whatever element was added to help liquify the dried cannabis (butane, nitrogen or CO2). Sometimes raw terpenes are added back into the mix for extra potency, smell and effects.

Reputable companies are transparent about their extraction processes, but many shops still buy dabs from homeboys who made them with ovens in their garages. The shoddy stuff will quite literally burn your lungs and throat if you dab it. Also, lots of these homeboys are blowing themselves up in the process.

You pay more for the good stuff because the equipment costs more, thus more overhead. Economics, baby. If the dab sizzles and pops on your rig, youve got some extra gunk in there that you dont want on your concentrates. Lipids, mite sh*t, etc. Shop carefully and spend more if you have to.

Remember, you cant always tell good dabs by look and smell; some strains are darker upon extraction and arent necessarily filled with junk. Cartridges are a different animal entirely. While very discreet and handy, they are usually much less potent and dont give you the fast high that a dab hit will.


Get a good vape pen and/or dab rig.

What you use to take a dab is almost as important as the dab itself! My personal favorite for portable dabs is the Platinum by CloudV (comes with its own nifty case). The Platinum uses a ceramic atomizer on a battery design that fully melts your product.

You want ceramic in an atomizer because it conducts heat evenly, doesnt hold the flavor of the last thing you dabbed, and doesnt allow residue. You dont waste product or mix them when you add more, thus avoiding inhaling harmful retained particles. Stainless steel is good for convecting; so using it in a dry herb vape is sensible, but dont dab on stainless steel.

In a rig, domes should be ceramic or porcelain. Always wait a hot second after torching your nail before you put your dab on it so you dont burn out the fuel. May I suggest if you take a legit dab hit that you walk to the gym or ride with a friend? Vaping in the parking lot after youve already driven to the gym is much safer, in the realm of traffic accidents. Please be safe.


Treat yourself right, have a routine.

Like I said, dont take a huge dab and then drive. My trick is to drive to the gym (or hike or race) and sit in my car vaping for a minute jammin out to some tunes before going in. About six hits and Im good and ready to force myself up and start walking before I melt into my car seat.

If anyone tries to talk to me at the front desk, the interaction will be weird with a beard. Im in between dimensions and cant communicate well when Im dabbed out. I hustle up to a cardio machine (usually StairMaster or elliptical), put my headphones in and lose my sense of being as I become the music and do a minimum of 15 minutes of cardio without realizing it.

Sometimes I get so focused on whatevers in my head that Ill do too much. I know Ill be sore the next day. I drink water. A lot.

Then I move to weights (highly recommend you dont start with lifting! let your brain wander a bit during cardio first).

Remember there will be peaks and valleys as you come in and out of waves of euphoria during your workout. Sometimes an anxiety wave will hit me just after my pulse picks up. Ill be like, Oh God why am I even trying to do anything with my life?! A few minutes later, Im fine and back into my rhythm.

Know its coming, then youll know you can get through it. Drink water. Eat afterward. Wait a while before you smoke again. Drink water. I find that the high-THC content and sativa terpenes prevent me from getting post-workout nausea like I do when I’m sober. After an hour workout vape routine, I’m left feeling energetic and accomplished and barely high. Get into it.

TL;DR: pick a good sativa strain, buy quality dabs, get a good vape, drink water, dont drive, pump some iron, drink water. Fin.

This post originally appeared on The Kind.

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/envision/why-vaping-before-the-gym-is-the-smartest-thing-ever/1372803/

The post Here’s How Vaping Your Weed Before The Gym Enhances Your Workout appeared first on Sports Guide To Everything.